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Notes to My Future Girlfriend

February 9, 2010
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I will refer to things that happened to me in ‘Nam and ’73 with a wistful tone even though I wasn’t born until 1981.

I will pretend to know everything about wine (I barely drink wine).

I will misuse and mispronounce many words.

I will get more and more calm as you get more and more angry.

I will punctuate arguments with sudden nudity.

I will interrupt sexy or deep conversations with inappropriate humor–I am always playful.

I will compare fancy dinners to meals that I had decades ago in exotic cities I’ve never been to.

I will dote on my cat just as much, if not more, than I dote on you.

I will eat an entire bag of popcorn after a night of drinking.

I will want you to turn off the lights and put your palm on my forehead when I get a migraine.

I will not allow Cheetos in the house.

I will pee and poop with the bathroom door open.

I will be unnaturally curious about what you’re doing in the bathroom when you close the door.

I will pluck rogue hairs from your body when you’re not looking.

I will put my hand on your knee when I’m driving, and I’d like the same from you.

I will do lunges when I’m naked.

I will dance to songs at home in ways that may appear fruity to the untrained eye.

I will communicate only by grunts and chirps in the middle of the night.

I will always be happy when you give me back scratchies.

I will ask that you not put your things on my desk.

I will kiss you until your skin goes numb. I love to kiss.

I will protect you from any harm that comes your way, but I will not be possessive of you.

I will laugh at both your good jokes and your bad jokes.

I will give you my honest opinion about that dress (unless you only want encouragement).

I will recognize the little things you do.

I will believe everything you tell me.

I will go all in with you.

I will dance with you.

I will commit to you.

I will include you.

I will love you.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 10, 2010 12:12 am

    When you go all in with her, just make sure you’re not on one of your famous 2-6 straight draws.

  2. Red permalink
    February 10, 2010 1:21 pm

    Though I feel like I’m walking into a witty response, I’ll be the NaySayer (in fact, I may change my handle to NaySayer). It’s a cute piece of writing, but I don’t believe it’s a real Statement of Self. Right now, it’s a proclamation of a static ideal of Jamey, rather than a dynamic reality “Jamey and Girlfriend’. It’s a frozen mission statement. It stunts your ability to grow.

    Any person you open yourself up to, by definition has the opprotunity to chanage parts of you, because relationships are give and take.
    I can’t imagine passing on a girlfriend because she likes Cheetos. I may not like them, but if they are a dealbreaker that prevent me from achieving possible happiness with someone, I think the problem is with me and not with Chester.

    • February 10, 2010 1:37 pm

      John, the origin of this post is that I made a joke to a woman the other day (one of the jokes on the list) and I was like, “How is she going to get this joke? She doesn’t know how often I use this same line, and that in itself is the joke.” So I started making a list of things like that. This isn’t a post to define my future girlfriend (I already wrote that on my “What I Want” post).

  3. Kai permalink
    February 10, 2010 6:35 pm

    Cute! 🙂

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