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If I Could Pimp My Ride…

December 29, 2009

If I could pimp my ride, I’d retrofit it to be the ultimate long-distance vehicle.

Prior to last year, I was horrible at long-distance driving. I’d get stiff, bored, and tired after about 2 hours in my Camry. But last year I had a long-distance relationship that resulted in several 8-hour trips to West Virginia. I learned to incorporate books on tape and crunchy snacks for the road, and it wasn’t too bad at all.

Today I drove from my hometown of Chesterfield, Virginia all the way to St. Louis. With my cat. A 12-hour drive. Although the trip was mostly pleasant, I found myself wanting a few modifications for my car to become the ultimate long-distance vehicle:

  • A lift-up flap in the center of the driver’s seat that opens into a built-in, removable urinal. Gross? Kind of. But it goes really well with…
  • An extra gas tank. It took two and a half tanks for my Camry to get from Chesterfield to St. Louis. I could reduce the number of stops to one with a combination of the urinal and the extra tank.
  • Massage chair: My back and neck get sore driving that long, and without volunteers for massages along every possible route, a massage chair would suffice.
  • Electric shocks: I’m not all that enthused about this idea, but if this were built into the seat, it would help a weary driver stay awake.
  • Temperature-regulated center console for food and drinks.
  • Bluetooth so I don’t have to keep plugging in my iPhone for “get pumped” music (my song of choice for getting the blood moving on this drive was Flo Rida’s “Right Round”–the song that played during slideshow at the end of The Hangover)
  • Some place/perch that’s more appealing to a cat than the interior of his litter box or between my feet.

How would you pimp your ride for distance driving?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 30, 2009 10:31 am

    Dearest Jamey, the urinal is disgusting. Think of the smell! You did travel with a litter box now that I think about it. I support every other upgrade you mention. I’ll tell you, from experience, pimping aint easy….

    • December 30, 2009 11:01 am

      Fair point, fair point–but I was thinking it would be completely self-contained. You’d only smell it when you used it. You’d empty it when you’d refill for gas every 800 miles.

  2. December 30, 2009 9:09 pm

    Why even worry about containing it at all when you could just dilute it all with a chemical and let the mixture fall through the frame and onto the rubber of the road? Going 70mph would spread it out pretty well, anyway.

    I’d love it I could hit cruise control and stretch my legs up on some sort of cushioned shelf underneath the wheel well.

    • December 30, 2009 11:55 pm

      I thought about that, but I was concerned that the air rushing over the bottom of the car would send the fluid rushing back up…that would not be good.

      That cruise control/cushioned shelf idea sounds awesome.

  3. krw permalink
    December 31, 2009 12:20 am

    Why not just get a hybrid car for the gas mileage–be friendly, waste less. 🙂

    • December 31, 2009 12:24 am

      A fair point. I think cars are starting to advance very quickly in eco-friendly ways. In about 5 years, we won’t need gas tanks at all. Until then, my Camry gets pretty good mileage–really good on the highway, in fact.

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