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What Men Want…Rather, What I Want

December 9, 2009

Update (12/15): Lauren over at My Life, Incomplete, has posted her response to this entry for our Mars vs. Venus series. It’s good…

I stumbled across a survey online today about what men want in a women. Obviously I don’t represent all men–these are just my answers. I figured since I’ve been writing a lot more about men, women, and relationships lately that this post would fit right in.

what do you find most attractive in a woman? Non-physical: Great at all types of conversation—banter, flirtation, deep thoughts, non sequitur questions and answers, examination of personal history, etc, humor (funny and general willingness to laugh), nice (and by that I mean aware of her surroundings and attentive to the needs of those around her—like someone who takes a step back when she’s talking in a group of people and someone else wants to join the circle); physical: I’d say the most attractive—or important—physical features to me are hair, waist, face, and legs, in that order.
what is a turn off? The opposite of the above items. Smoking, getting too drunk, unwillingness to get a little drunk (or loosen up), clingy, gives ultimatums, judgmental.
what would your ideal woman look like? It’s really tough to say what “ideal” is. I’d say petite, in shape, somewhat long, silky hair, no or very little makeup, dresses appropriately for her figure.
when you go on date, who do you think should pay? I prefer to pay for the first few dates, and I like it when, around the fourth or fifth date, the woman offers to take me out. Once we’re in a relationship, it’s more even.
what do men like from women? Like, what do we want out of a relationship with a woman? I can only speak for myself. I want physical intimacy—both sexual and non-sexual, I want a supportive nature, I want companionship for activities like movies and parties, and I want someone who I can talk to about anything and who is free to talk about anything with me.
do men like to be in charge or do you like it women are in charge of things? For the most part, yes, I like to be in charge, but not in a superior way. I want a woman who is on even ground with me.
what should women never do? Assume. Judge. Pout. Wear much makeup. Not have their own friends. Give ultimatums. And never, ever enter a discussion about the relationship late at night (show me a woman who truly understands that and I’ll show you a million guys who want to date that woman).
what should a woman always do? Understand. Laugh. Come up with something new to say. Seduce me. Be vulnerable.
who are women you respect/admire and why? I respect women who are independent, who have and pursue creative passions, who are fiscally responsible, who are well educated, who are confident but not arrogant, and who take care of themselves physically.
do men like natural women or made-up/artificial? Natural. By far. Not even close.
do you like a thin or curvy lady? This is the paradox of men: We like thin, curvaceous women J. Given the choice between the two, thin is more important. Although, thinness is important because it shows that the woman is in shape. If a woman has a tight body that happens to be on the curvy side, that’s great.
what makes men happy or feel appreciated? We all have our different love languages, but for me, I feel most loved and appreciated when a woman goes out of her way to add extra time to my day. Like, maybe she’ll go pick up dinner so I can have some extra time to write. That shows that she’s supportive of my hobbies and that she understands my desire to have time to work on them.
when you are looking for a girlfriend/wife/mate, what are the most important factors or deal breakers? I would say that I need a woman who is generally pretty positive and happy. As I’ve mentioned, a great conversationalist is really important. And a great kisser. Dealbreakers are smoking, doing drugs, and being addicted to anything. Oh, and typos are okay, but you must know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” “its” and “it’s,” and “their,” they’re,” and “there.”
what makes men devalued? I think us men feel devalued if you flirt with someone else right in front of us or if you don’t even notice us when other people are around. I think that goes both ways.
what is something all women could do that would make the world a better place? Two things: Wear less makeup (i.e., be more confident about what you really look like, because I guarantee it’s better than what you look like in makeup), and as I mentioned above, don’t start serious discussions about our relationship right before bedtime. I think in general, women put too many ultimatums in the name of the relationship on things that are ultimately much more about them. How many times have I heard, “We need to talk about this now.” Do we need to talk about this now, or do you? And of course, individual needs are important, but I think sometimes women have to understand that men may need a chance to collect their thoughts before talking about the relationship now because we don’t spend as much time as you thinking about the relationship. Sometimes I like to respond to relationship questions by e-mail first and then talk later because writing gives me a chance to really think through things, which I think is fair to the woman and to myself.
should a woman depend on a man or be independent? Independent.
do men like ladies with long or short hair? Long.

What about other guys? What do you think? Agree or disagree? Women, you may have to wait to see if Venus over at My Life, Incomplete posts a blog in response sometime (we didn’t coordinate this one).

70 Comments leave one →
  1. Dionne permalink
    December 9, 2009 10:45 pm

    So basically you’re looking for Ms. Perfect. There are so many things I could say…..Simply, to each their own.

  2. Dionne permalink
    December 9, 2009 10:46 pm

    What women really want is for guys to get over themselves….lol.

    • December 9, 2009 11:34 pm

      I hear that, Dionne. I hope this post doesn’t come across as if I do everything right and women do everything wrong. Far from it. In fact, this post has nothing to do with the way I act or behave. It’s just information about what I look for and like in a woman.

      • Jessica permalink
        December 10, 2009 1:30 am

        you don’t come across as doing everything right, more like you do everything wrong, and you need a woman to fix you.

  3. Virginia Grace Morgan permalink
    December 10, 2009 1:25 am


    I have been actively following your blog for the past two months. This whole time, I thought you were a slightly intelligent human being with mild to semi- interesting opinions about the world and life in general. But you’ve truly out done yourself tonight. Allow me to break down your embarrassingly ignorant post:

    “What do you find most attractive in a woman? Non-physical: Great at all types of conversation—banter, flirtation, deep thoughts, non sequitur questions and answers, examination of personal history, etc, humor (funny and general willingness to laugh), nice (and by that I mean aware of her surroundings and attentive to the needs of those around her—like someone who takes a step back when she’s talking in a group of people and someone else wants to join the circle); physical: I’d say the most attractive—or important—physical features to me are hair, waist, face, and legs, in that order.”

    Do you really need conversation to fill all parts of your life? What happened to silence is golden? It sounds like you need a woman to complete you in all the ways you feel socially inadequate. It sounds like when you ask for a girl who is willing to laugh at anything, some of your jokes just might not be funny. Are you saying you want her to get you dinner because you want her out of the house so you can write or do you actually just want a woman who can cook? Why doesn’t she cook on your overheated, under(well)utilized laptop so she can give you much needed writing material? A woman who is “aware of her surroundings?” You make women seem like small infants, dogs, or Barbie dolls. And in regards to your physical requirements of an attractive woman, good luck finding your bootylicious stick bitch.

    “What is a turn off? The opposite of the above items. Smoking, getting too drunk, unwillingness to get a little drunk (or loosen up), clingy, gives ultimatums, judgmental.”

    In terms of your alcohol requests, maybe you should get an IV to administer alcohol into your perfect female… so it’s always just right. FYI, men are just as capable of being extremely clingy, getting too drunk, and ridiculously judgmental. And based on this post alone, it sounds like you’re pretty judgmental yourself.

    “Do men like to be in charge or do you like it women are in charge of things? For the most part, yes, I like to be in charge, but not in a superior way. I want a woman who is on even ground with me.”

    It sounds like you need her to be in charge in the social arena, not to mention every other arena, but we will still give you the title of “in charge”

    what should a woman always do? Understand. Laugh. Come up with something new to say. Seduce me. Be vulnerable.

    How are you going to have “deep conversations” with a woman who always has a fucking grin on her face? (Should she still be “willing to laugh” during these deep conversations?) In terms of “come up with something new to say” I think you know what I’m going to say… Be vulnerable (but not too whiney)!!

    what makes men happy or feel appreciated? We all have our different love languages, but for me, I feel most loved and appreciated when a woman goes out of her way to add extra time to my day. Like, maybe she’ll go pick up dinner so I can have some extra time to write. That shows that she’s supportive of my hobbies and that she understands my desire to have time to work on them.

    Learn how to organize your own life. If you find that you don’t have enough hours in the day, even the perfect woman won’t be able to give you the 25th hour. It’s not to much to ask for a kind, thoughtful person, but don’t be surprised when she is not a mind reader. (Don’t forget to get HER dinner one night)

    If you are looking for a woman with all of these qualities, there is no female who fits this mold. I’m sure there is someone out there for you, and i think you will find her if you are willing to get to know a real person.

    All of your standards will only hold you back.

    • Stacey Jordenburg permalink
      December 10, 2009 1:36 am

      hey VIRGINia grace morgan (loooong ass name),

      no offense, but you’re probably just some ugly ass bitch. Quit bein so bitta and lame, Jamey is totes hott!!

      I know YOU don’t , but I meet these standards!
      and Jamey let’s do it…? 😉 😉


    • December 10, 2009 8:00 am

      Okay, I appreciate this comment (and the three that follow), but there’s a rule on this blog about anonymous commentors ( These last four comments came from the same two people (I can see the IP addresses), possibly even the same person using two different computers in the same dorm room (the IP addresses are very similar, and I know this person is a college student). It’s fine if you disagree with me, but per that post about posting anonymously, please do it under the same name on this blog (it doesn’t have to be your full name, not even your real name, but the same name). I put myself out here on this blog, so if you want to be part of the conversation, I expect the same from you. Because you’re posting different opinions under different names, I can’t tell if you actually disagree with me or if you’re actually just manufacturing a debate for the sake of a debate. I’ve seen you do this before on this blog, and it’s really not appropriate for encouraging real discussion.

      You have my e-mail–if you’d like me to delete all but the “real” comment, let me know. I’d be happy to respond to the real one.

  4. Mike permalink
    December 10, 2009 1:45 am

    Hey man,
    I agree with Virginia. Your standards are probably going to hold you back. I totally get “wanting the whole package,” but that shit isn’t real life.
    I also understand how people have physical preferences, but your requirements for a woman’s emotional state are not realistic or human.
    I’m pretty sure that we’ve both met girls that meet a lot of these criteria and I think we can both agree that, in a lot of ways, they kind of suck…

  5. December 10, 2009 8:22 am

    I don’t see a thing wrong with this post. I don’t interpret it as being one-sided, as some of the other comments seemed to say. Jamey isn’t looking for personal entertainment. He wants to be with someone who doesn’t take life (or themselves) so seriously that they don’t know how to have fun. Someone who can discuss something beyond the latest Prada style coming out in the fall (or spring or whenever those things release). Someone with “depth” that has thoughts and feelings from politics to our place in the universe. Someone with manners. Someone who can walk out the door for dinner or shopping without spending an hour in the bathroom on hair and make-up.

    Exactly what part of this description is unrealistic? I’m looking for many of the same traits in a man, although I’d really rather he not wear any make-up at all.

    My friends and I all fit this description, as well as my sister. I don’t understand why men feel like these attributes don’t exist in women. As a woman, I find the implication offensive. As a person and a woman, however, I’ve met many women who I find “high-maintenance” or maintain “emotional roller coasters” and I understand what men mean. I cannot stay in their company very long without rolling my eyes and looking for the nearest exit.

    With all that said, this post isn’t meant as a “come on” to Jamey. (No offense, but you’re too young for me).

    If I could give one word of advice, it would be not to ‘settle’ for something less than what you really want in a partner and best friend. I did that once and won’t let it happen again.

    Good luck in your search, Jamey.

    • December 10, 2009 8:37 am

      Christa–thanks for your response (I needed a real response to balance the ones that came before it). And don’t worry, I don’t interpret anything women say on this blog as come-ons. I save such misinterpretation for real life 🙂

      That being said, I’m glad you appreciate the essence of this post: balance (and for the most part, stability). I’ve dated all sorts of women, and although it’s easy to get drawn into the drama temporarily, it’s an artificial high that doesn’t last. After a while it becomes tedious. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have real discussions about the future and relationships. I just don’t want to have them every day. And I want time to think about such things–I may process those things much differently than a woman.

      I’m guessing there might be some interesting discussions on the blog today, partially because some women who read this may not like what I wrote. Some women may not fit the bill. But that’s okay! As I said, I’m not representing all guys here (aside from a few of the comments). I’m just representing myself. Many guys may not find conversation as important as I do, for example. Are my expectations unrealistic? Possibly. But if you want to boil it down to what I really want/need in a women, look at the first answer and the deal breakers answer. Those are the key points, and I don’t think they’re unfair or unrealistic.

      Christa, thanks for your advice that I shouldn’t settle. I hope the same for you, and I hope the same for all people out there (including women I date in the future). In fact, I’ve said that to women who are dating me in the past! “Are you settling with me? Am I what you really want? I don’t want you to be with me if I’m not!”

  6. T-Mac permalink
    December 10, 2009 8:50 am

    I’ve known Jamey for about 25 years, and I’d like to put to rest any put to rest any thoughts that he would give anything less than his best (which he freely admits isn’t perfect) in a relationship and that he expects a woman to give, give, give with no reciprocation. I thought about suggesting that Jamey write a follow-up post about what he has to offer a woman (formatted like this post, but about himself as a man), but his truly loyal readers can get a sense for the type of guy he is from looking at this blog collectively (not just this post), which doesn’t encapsulate him, but it should give you an idea of what he’s like.

    You could cut the tension on this blog with a knife, which is a good thing from a writer’s perspective…but I think we need something from the Ass Press soon (or maybe JoshVision can steal a penguin from the zoo and we can follow the hijinks that ensue for a few days).

    • December 10, 2009 9:07 am

      Thanks, Trev. Most, if not all, of the tension is artificially produced by the same person. “Virginia Grace Morgan,” “Stacey Jordanberg,” Jessica,” and “Mike” are all the same person. In fact, I’m going to remove those comments. Nelsy, if you just want to post one real comment, that would be great. Knowing Nelsy, I don’t think any of these are real.

      Also, today’s post will be much more lighthearted–it will be the full music video that my interns produced.

      • T-Mac permalink
        December 10, 2009 9:53 am

        Wow. I actually thought Mike was “Tolles”. Glad that was cleared up.

    • December 10, 2009 12:03 pm

      Trev – already did that once. Did not work out well for me or the penguin.

      And in response to the post, I really don’t see anything wrong with knowing what you want and going after it. That’s the way Jamey is, both personally and professionally. I consider it an asset to his character, rather than a liability.

  7. Neeraja permalink
    December 10, 2009 10:14 am

    I thought about what my answers to these questions would be if I were to answer them, and I realized that all my responses were driven by positive and negative aspects of individuals I’ve been with.

    For instance, the “What should [men] never do?” immediately brought to mind: complain about hanging out with my friends every once in awhile, be so regimented with schedules that spontaneity is lost (not you, Jamey), get too comfortable and lose the romance, and forget to tell me I’m pretty.

    All of these qualities are either things I hated that a boyfriend used to do, or important things to me that boyfriends have done.

    I’ve now confused myself with this post. Fin.

    • December 10, 2009 10:20 am

      Thanks for the comment. I realized the same thing as I wrote my entry–that a lot of my responses were driven by aspects of individuals I’ve dated. But isn’t that natural? I never understand it when people marry the first person they dated. I mean, hopefully they got it right, but don’t you need to try some other flavors to see what really fits you? Ten years ago, if I had to guess the answers to what I wrote above, they might not be drastically different, but I think I would really underestimate how important certain things were to me (and how some things really aren’t that big of a deal).

      Also, I like that you wrote that a significant other should tell you you’re pretty. I think that’s really important in a relationship–don’t forget that the other person wants to hear that you’re still attracted them. It really feels good to hear, and not just about your physical appearance. I’m sure I’ve fell short in this department in the past. Maybe I should add that as a recurring reminder on my Outlook calendar.

      • Neeraja permalink
        December 10, 2009 1:33 pm

        You know how important it is for me to hear I’m pretty 🙂 I take self-involved to a whole new level.

    • December 10, 2009 4:37 pm

      Neeraja –

      I think it is totally natural for us to base our ideal or our vision on past experiences. Our perception of life can only be based in the reality that we know. We ARE a product of our experiences and our reactions to those experiences — which applies to our experiences with people as well.

      I am certain that I know what qualities I would like in a well-suited partner as a result of knowing what attributes did not work for me in the past, what attributes did work in the past, and what attributes of my own I’d like to have complimented, enforced or counter-balanced. To recognize this is insightful; a sign of wisdom, not confusion.

      Oh, and I too would like to be told I’m pretty. But the key here is for them to mean it and not just say it BECAUSE IT’S ON THEIR OUTLOOK CALENDAR – dork!

      • December 10, 2009 4:53 pm

        What if my reminder on Outlook says, “Look at your girlfriend. Is she pretty today? If so, tell her so? If not, say nothing.”

        • December 10, 2009 4:57 pm

          Okay, that’s good. I’ll allow it.

        • Red permalink
          December 14, 2009 1:21 pm

          That was like an excel logical test… Creepy

        • Lorena permalink
          December 14, 2009 2:52 pm

          So complex, you should get tested for Mensa.

          • Dionne permalink
            December 14, 2009 5:08 pm

            You know what Mensa means in spanish right? I laugh at the irony!

  8. December 10, 2009 11:23 am

    Okay, Stegmaier. I haven’t even read this yet and I’m already mad at you. This would have been a perfect topic for Mars vs. Venus. I suppose I should resist the urge to read this now and do a post on it tonight.

    Then I should write a post on how to collaborate with a partner. 😉

    • December 10, 2009 11:26 am

      Sorry Lauren! It can still a Mars/Venus topic for sure. I just didn’t want to make you feel pressured to write about what I was writing about more than once a week 🙂

      Regardless, I think my readers would be fascinated to read your responses, especially since they’ll see a video on my blog tonight instead of actual written content.

      • December 10, 2009 11:33 am

        No problem. I was just teasing. I’ll be interested to see if your ghost commenter visits my blog. Do me a favor and send me the questions via email so I can answer them without accidentally reading what you wrote.

        I like T-Mac’s idea of writing what you (or I) have to offer in each of these areas, too. I’m thinking that would make a great follow-up post. Wow. I guess I can just turn my brain off now. No more “what am I going to write about tonight?” for me!

        • December 10, 2009 12:02 pm

          So what do you guys want? Like the first question, “What do you find attractive in a woman?” How am I supposed to answer that for myself?

          • T-Mac permalink
            December 10, 2009 1:51 pm

            “What is attractive about Jamey Stegmaier?”

            • Dionne permalink
              December 10, 2009 4:10 pm

              I’ll tell you what is attractive about Jamey (besides him being way adorable) is that he is open to “opening” himself up to personal growth and always wants to be a better writer. You’re awesome Jamey, even if I give you a hard time:)

              • December 10, 2009 4:45 pm

                Thanks, Dionne–that was very sweet. I do find this blog quite cathartic.

  9. December 10, 2009 1:21 pm

    I don’t want to answer for Lauren, but I don’t think she means to follow the same questions you posted originally. Rather post what you bring to a relationship: what things do you enjoy sharing with your mate? What things do you do in a relationship that you consider important in a strong, long-term relationship?

    For example: Do you like to give random and sporadic hugs and kisses? Do you cook or pick up dinner if your mate had a long and/or frustrating day? Do you like ‘taking care’ of them when they aren’t feeling well? Are you supportive of her passions (like wanting to write AND work full-time)?

    At least that’s how I interpreted Lauren’s comment.

    • T-Mac permalink
      December 10, 2009 1:52 pm

      I should have read this first. It’s a better description than what I posted! Turn each question into the comparable question about you!

      • December 10, 2009 2:33 pm

        Thanks for that perspective. I really appreciate you guys understanding what I was writing about today. I’m a little bewildered by some of the negative reactions–someone even e-mailed me to say that “it reads more like a 15-yr-old’s forward” and that it comes across like I was “venting.” I don’t understand it. Okay, I went on a little rant about women bringing up serious discussions right before bedtime, but I have yet to date a woman who doesn’t do that, so I think the rant was justified. Beyond that, I don’t understand all the negativity.

        Perhaps I should offer this: If anyone wants to answer those questions for either gender and send them to me, I’ll feature them on this blog. I guarantee you that it takes some guts to put yourself out there like this–to truly examine what you want and be willing to face the public for those answers. So lovers and haters alike, send me your answers. Let’s see how they hold up under public scrutiny.

        In the end, these are personal questions. What one person likes (or how one person views the other gender) can be vastly different than someone else. Do some of you read that I wrote that I don’t like when women pout and think that I’m saying that I think all women pout all the time? Not at all. In fact, I know only a few women who pout. I even pout! But I know that it’s stuck in my mind as something that’s really annoying when someone does pout, so it stood out enough to say here.

        • T-Mac permalink
          December 10, 2009 3:39 pm

          For what it’s worth, I think you’ve handled the criticism very well, especially for what I consider to be a pretty innocuous blog post. I certainly wouldn’t have been this calm. I’ve seen you put yourself out there in blog posts with an opinion that is clearly in the minority and just ripe for bashing–and we both could easily have predicted that bashing. However, this was not one of those posts. I really thought the reaction would have been for people to look at your “likes,” laugh a little at a few of the quirky ones, then respond with their own likes.

          I’ll never forget a day I didn’t stand up for your opinion at the lunch table at SPI; it’ll never happen again. If you ever need me to put a hungry animal in someone’s bedroom in the middle of the night as retribution for something, you let me know.

          • December 10, 2009 3:43 pm

            You’re a good man. I think the SPi reference was for something that you agreed with me about but didn’t express (while I took a beating); I’ll have the general audience know that Trevor and I don’t agree on anything, and we both feel open to express that to one another. For example, Trevor likes buffets, while I’m not a fan. A discussion about the merits of buffets once let to a 3-day fisticuff that resulted in the loss of several fingers and one perfectly good serving of Kung Pao chicken.

            And thanks–I thought the reaction would be similar to what you posted above. Can more people respond with their own answers? Even just a few? That would be awesome.

        • December 10, 2009 3:48 pm

          Wow, Jamey! I am baffled by Jessica and Virgina Grace Morgan’s responses. Add “attitudes like theirs” to the list of things you don’t want in a woman.

          I do not think that your “wish list” is unrealistic. Women like that exist. And I’m sure you’ll find yours some day. (I almost make the cut, but I’m more curvy than thin and I have short hair.) But that’s not really even the point.

          You know what would make a good partner for you. Congratulations. You’re going to be better off in life and love because of it. Take me, for example: I had no idea what I wanted, or what type of person would be a good match for me. So I dated my boyfriend until there seemed to be nothing left to do but marry him. Now I’m divorced.

          I’ve learned from my marriage and my self discovery that insued post-divorce what qualities a person would have to make a good partner for me. I can very easily answer every question on that list, just as you did.

          And why should anyone be chastised for knowing what they want and not settling for less? Mike, you say that Jamey’s criteria will likely hold him back. Isn’t that a good thing? If his criteria hold him back from ending up with the wrong person, then I say they’ve served their purpose.

          Finally, it is not in my nature to personally attack someone, but I can’t help but say that VGM, you come across incredibly ignorant. If you came here to antagonize, then what’s the point? If you have something valueable to add, then why don’t you do so? I’m pretty sure Jamey’s targeted audience is grown ups.

          • December 10, 2009 3:55 pm

            Lauren–thanks so much for your comment. Now I’m even more curious to see what you write tonight.

            The truth that I’ve learned over the course of the day is that Jessica, Virginia, and Mike are actually individuals who were posting from the same dorm room. They’re college students, which explains why they don’t know what they want in a mate, and it also explains why they may look down on someone who knows what they want. They’re still learning what they want by playing the field–college is a good time to do that. I think you kids should learn a little about flaming a blog or discussion board, because the responses will be reactionary instead of constructive…but you have time.

            And Lauren, I think you set a good example for these younger readers. They can learn both from how you got married without knowing what you wanted, and how you approach your current, successful relationship with much better knowledge of what you want. Head over the and check out a world of wisdom.

            • Jesse permalink
              December 13, 2009 3:11 pm

              Thanks, Dad! Wanna play catch in the backyard at 5 and then go get milkshakes at the diner? Also, I’m feeling a little lost these days… I was wondering if you could possibly give me a little more advice. I love to be patronized.

  10. Colleen permalink
    December 10, 2009 4:57 pm

    Jamey – Wow, what an interesting post and list of comments! I can say that I appreciate the fact that you’re being honest here (both with yourself and with your readers), and that you, personally, know what you’re looking for – which I think was the point of your blog to begin with, right. (Hence the last four words in the title.) 🙂 I think it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that. And it seems that most of your readers, whether they personally know you, or know you online through this blog, understand where you are coming from and can appreciate and respect your opinions and point of view. Anyway, I’m sure that we all have an idea of the type of person we want to be with, so it’s natural that there are certain qualities and characteristics that we tend to find attractive in other people. I think it’s important to be picky and to not want to settle for just anyone – there’s nothing wrong with that. I think it’s great when we are lucky enough to know in our heart what is truly important to us, what makes us happy, and what type of relationship we strive to have.

    • December 10, 2009 5:37 pm

      Colleen: Thanks so much for your kind words. It does take guts! 🙂 I like that you and others have recommended that I (and others) shouldn’t settle. I completely agree.

  11. jack campbell permalink
    December 10, 2009 5:21 pm


    I have read thru you post here today a number of times. The part that I find surprising about this post is a lack of mention of wanting a Christian partner. Based on what I have read from your profile here, I would think that THAT would at least be mentioned. I have no arguement with all of the things you posted here about what you seek. Nothing wrong with a “Wish” list. I think in time you will come to see that you make compromises from that list because someone captures your heart when you don’t expect it. But I would think that finding a woman with a strong moral Character and who has a close walk with God should really be a priority here for you. Not coming down on you brother, but I was surprised at your omission of this from your list.

    • December 10, 2009 5:36 pm

      Jack–Thanks for your comment. I’m really glad you brought it up. I thought about the religion element as I was writing the post.

      What I probably should have written is that I want a woman who thinks about faith, is willing to talk about spirituality and religion, and believes in some force that is greater than themselves.

      Because in the end, what do I know? I’m Catholic, I believe in many things Catholic, but I don’t think there’s a Catholic God and a Protestant God and a Muslim God and a Jewish God. I think there’s a God. Although it might make the logistics of weddings and churchgoing more difficult if a person isn’t Catholic, I wouldn’t disqualify anyone for that.

      I also see morals and ethics as things that are tied to–but not dependent on–religion. I know many morally and ethically strong people who aren’t religious or don’t go to church. And I know many people who go to church every week but don’t practice what they preach. But morals and ethics are very, very important to me, as I express in my desire to find someone who is actively nice and kind (although it definitely goes well beyond that).

      Thanks for challenging me to think about and respond to this–I really appreciate it.

  12. Jack Campbell permalink
    December 10, 2009 5:42 pm


    As I said, I wasn’t taking you to task, I just felt from your other writings that this might be an important element of your life and it seemed odd for it to be absent from your list.
    I really wish people would learn how important THIS element is within a relationship. A true Christian, no anyone who believes in A God, should always have God as the third person in the relationship. If people really followed this, and applied the principles that are taught in most religions, the sorrow and the angst that we see, and the divorces that follow would certainly be less.
    Thank you for this opportunity to express an opinion.

    • December 10, 2009 5:44 pm

      Thanks Jack–I definitely hear that. I’ve definitely seen some extremely strong relationships form with God as the third member of those relationships.

  13. Anjuli permalink
    December 10, 2009 5:59 pm


    I am Nelsy’s friend who helped wrote some of those comments. The truth is, there were a bunch of us reading your blog and it provoked a strong reaction. We responded in a way that we thought would be creative and would shake things up. I see by how much this bothered you, that it really was rude to invade the sanctity of this forum. Clearly your blog is just a place where you share your thoughts with your close friends and other people with your same thoughts.
    The things I said as Virginia Grace Morgan and Mike were honest, at times childish reactions and if you would like delete the Stacey comment because you find it embarrassing, I completely understand. I used these other names, because I don’t know you, and whether or not you know that my name is Anjuli seems pretty inconsequential to me seeing as I will probably never meet you.

    I actually found what you said to be offensive in a lot of ways. It actually hurts me when I think about the incredible emphasis our culture puts on finding the one person who you are MOST compatible with. The fact that you might share my frustration seems like a possibility after reading your initial post and the reactions that followed.

    The difference in opinion that I would like to bring to the table is that of the an Indian-American. I hate to have to bring up my race to justify a difference in opinion, but I feel that you don’t take my age seriously and perhaps another “factor of my existence” will strike you as cause for my opinion to be heard as legitimate. My parents had an arranged marriage. I have seen their relationship turn to beautiful love after years of respecting each other and accepting one another’s flaws. Relationships are hard work, and even I, a naive college student recognize that the dating world mustn’t be easy, and that is precisely why I think a checklist will only let you down.
    I don’t mean to be a downer, because it sounds like you are really just trying to get your opinion out there, but please respect the fact that I was merely trying to do the same thing. It’s nice to see how much your friends support you, but I hope that you take the opinion of an someone outside your group of friends into consideration.
    If you would like to respond to any of the legitimate points I have made, I look forward to reading them, otherwise, I don’t wish to respond to any petty complaints. No hard feelings…

    Good luck with everything!

    • Anjuli permalink
      December 10, 2009 6:01 pm


    • December 10, 2009 6:11 pm

      Anjuli–Thanks so much for responding. I just want to clear the air–the sole reason I deleted those comments was that it looked like (from the repeated IP addresses and zany e-mail addresses) that Nelsy was commenting multiple times herself. I would never delete a comment from a non-anonymous person, no matter how harsh it was. When I found out from Nelsy today that it wasn’t actually her who had posted those comments, I reposted them. I’m glad you all are part of the conversation, and I’d really encourage you to use real, consistent names. I really appreciate you owning up to posting as those multiple people–can you see how it might be confusing to other readers if you post under multiple names in the same debate? You definitely don’t have to use your real name, but I appreciate you doing so nonetheless since I use my real name too.

      My post wasn’t meant to be inflammatory or offensive, and I’m sorry it had that effect. I think you make a great point about love. I mean, if I wrote answers to these questions a long time ago, I might have listed specific attributes–a woman has this colored hair or likes this movie or plays soccer…those types of things. What I’ve learned is that those specifics aren’t really that important. Conversation, though, IS important–in fact, I’ll stand by that for any person in any relationship. If you can’t talk–and as part of that, if you can’t be comfortable with pauses in conversation–I don’t think there’s room for love to grow.

      I worked at an Indian company for my first 4 years out of college, so I’ve met a number of people in successful, thriving arranged marriages. I’ve also seen some that haven’t worked out at all.

      Would you say what I wrote about college students is untrue? I mean, I was a college student too. I explored, I dated a variety of women. I had no idea what I wanted…and in some respects, the I realized that many of the things I wanted weren’t for me at all. I think college is a great time to explore that stuff. Once I started thinking about your comments in that context, I was able to relate to them a lot better.

      I could go on–there’s a lot of great stuff in your above post. Thanks for sharing as yourself.

    • Lorena permalink
      December 14, 2009 3:47 pm


      I think that whether the marriage is arranged or not, people undoubtedly change as their surroundings change (whether it be age, location, jobs, financial security, children, et cetera). To me this implies that two people in a marriage, or any form of long-term committed relationship, will have to “respect each other and accept one another’s flaws,” even if these ‘flaws’ did not exist at the beginning of the relationship, or, perhaps, were not viewed as flaws then.

      As far as being in college goes, I was second-hand embarrassed for Jamey when I read his comment addressing that with such generalization. Maturity can hardly be determined by someone’s age without first accounting for their life experience. Assumed maturity certainly can be determined per age, but the reality may differ (in either direction).

      Isn’t internet communication so amusingly complex?

  14. December 10, 2009 6:11 pm


    While it was not directed to me, I would like to applaud you for coming out and contributing in a far more constructive manner. I think that takes a lot of guts and maturity. Kudos to you.


    • Nelsy permalink
      December 10, 2009 6:54 pm

      You still haven’t responded to anything Anjuli actually said. Instead of focusing on how she said it or why, focus on WHAT she said. I know we are younger than you, you have made that clear, but I think we have made some really insightful points.

      I know you are trying to be nice but you are coming off as really demeaning.

      • December 10, 2009 7:03 pm

        Okay, Nelsy, here goes:

        “Clearly your blog is just a place where you share your thoughts with your close friends and other people with your same thoughts.” I’m not sure why this is clear at all. My blog is public so I can start a conversation with tons of people I don’t know and a few friends too. That’s the whole point of it.

        I’m reading over the rest of the post…I’ve responded to the part about the post being offensive, as well as the part about you posting under multiple names (let me know if I’m missing something–although I don’t reply to everything posted here, I certainly try).

        “I feel that you don’t take my age seriously.” I addressed this as well in my comment. (Nelsy, did you read my response? Just because I’m not responding in a reactionary manner doesn’t mean that I’m not responding.) I take anyone who posts here under their real name quite seriously. There are people on here much older than me as well as much younger than me. I guess maybe what I should say is that I’m sorry if you feel like I don’t take your age seriously, because I truly do, and I’m glad you offered your perspective.

        “I think a checklist will only let you down.” I agree with this 100%. That’s why I’m not dating anyone–I don’t want to be let down.

        “please respect the fact that I was merely trying to do the same thing.” I do–I truly do. I just wish you had done so under one name in the first place.

        If I’m missing something, let me know. I feel like there could be more said about the idea of an arranged marriage, but is it really fair for a person like me who is so far removed from the concept or experience of an arranged marriage to discuss it’s merits or shortfalls? I don’t think so. I think I’d end up assuming a lot of things, which isn’t fair to that institution. I really respect the institution of marriage and hope to enter it some day. I really can’t say more about it than that.

        Again, Nelsy or Anjuli, if I’m not responding to something you’d like me to, let me know. Thanks!

    • Red permalink
      December 14, 2009 1:29 pm

      Note to ALL BLOGGERS: I’m glad you appreciate the comment, and I’m sure it’s proper etiquite to thank people for their comments, but after reading a string of comments, the requisite thank yous start to seem a little disingenuous. Just an opinion. As you were.

  15. December 10, 2009 9:12 pm

    I think there’s a difference between keeping to a check-list and being aware of what you will and will not compromise on in a relationship. What’s critical to one person will be flexible to another. I think knowing yourself well enough to know what you ‘want’ versus what you ‘need’ out of a relationship is imperative. I got married young and compromised on things that were small, but important to me. I kept telling myself they weren’t that big a deal, but they were. So while I don’t keep a check list of criteria, I do know myself. While I don’t need very much to be truly happy in a relationship, those little things I need I will never compromise on again, even if that means remaining single for the next several years. To me, the wait will be worth it.

  16. Izzie permalink
    December 11, 2009 12:22 am


    I’m Nelsy’s roommate and was also part of writing the response. I’m not going to say much because I think Anjuli covered most of it, but I guess I’m still unsure of what the point of this website is. If all of your friends are just going to jump to defend your every point, why do you blog? Anjuli apologized for ruining the sanctity of the forum, but I think that if this forum is only directed towards people who purely support you, then it is in fact pretty tainted.

    I’m also going to agree with Nelsy here in regards to Lauren. No offense Lauren, but the comments were not directed at you and you are being rather condescending.

    Jamey, thanks for taking the time to listen to all of our real opinions, and I do apologize for not including my real name.


    • December 11, 2009 1:38 am

      Izzie–Hey, thanks for your comment. I definitely see what you’re saying about my friends defending me…thing thing is, I’m not asking them to defend me. In fact, if they disagree with me, I hope they do. I’ve never even met many of the people who post regularly on my blog. They may seem like friends, but really they just read my blog and I read theirs and we comment on each others blogs. I actually think it’s cool to get to know people in that way–they’re people I otherwise never would have connected with. Hence, again, the value of them posting under their real names consistently. But I’m really not asking for these people to back up my every point. I want them to challenge me, to state their own opinions and views. I think some of them reacted the way they did today because they read Anjuli’s long post (the one under the pseudonym “Virginia”), and they reacted protectively of me because of the tone of that post. I think my regular readers know that I truly am not out to offend or belittle anyone, so they took it upon themselves to point that out here on the blog.

      I hope that makes sense. I really, truly want to encourage conversation on this blog. I hope my actions, comments, or entry today haven’t endangered that. If it helps at all, watch the video I posted today of me dancing and laugh at how bad I am :).


  17. Bob permalink
    December 11, 2009 11:47 am


  18. December 11, 2009 12:34 pm

    I’m going to sidestep the ridiculous “controversy” of the first few comments (didn’t make it all the way through all 49), and say that I agree with you about late night conversations about relationships. The worst advice is “Never go to bed angry.” Being tired makes me cranky, and I will likely be much harsher on my husband when I’m cranky than when I’m well-rested and thinking more clearly. I’ve gone to bed many times angry at my husband over our 11 years together, just to wake up the next morning and realize it wasn’t anything to be angry about. Other times I’ve woken up and realize we do need to address the issue, but feeling rested lets me do that in a rational manner.

    My only other comment is that there’s nothing wrong with formulating what you want in a person, as long as you are flexible enough to step outside of the formula when you find someone who’s a treasure. If I had stuck to my formula, I never would have dated my husband because he’s two years younger than me. From what little I know about you, I doubt you’re so rigid to pass on someone just because she doesn’t have every single thing on your list. Good post!

    • December 11, 2009 12:52 pm

      Nice sidestep :). I love that advice to disregard “Never go to bed angry.” There are many times when everything is so much better if you wait to cool down! I totally agree.

      Another good point about flexibility…I agree. I’m definitely open to all sorts of women. After all, I’m still learning about myself. I know there needs to be a high level of physical, emotional, and intellectual attraction, but I know better than to say that if a woman doesn’t have long, silky hair, she’s out. That doesn’t make sense. I have very few actual deal breakers.

      • Red permalink
        December 14, 2009 1:33 pm

        Does “never go to bed angry” get in the way of “no relationship talks right before bed?”

        If so, how do you deal with this conflict?

        • December 14, 2009 1:35 pm

          We’re saying that we disagree with “never go to bed angry.” We’re saying it’s okay to go to bed angry, that you don’t need to stay up and try to fix every little thing before trying to sleep.

  19. SFRANK permalink
    December 11, 2009 8:13 pm

    I think it’s great that you know what you want in a woman (I actually have a lovely daughter who fits the bill :)) and that you have the confidence in yourself to post it on your blog for all to see. That makes you incredibly attractive to a pretty broad audience of women, I would think. You and your readers are doing the right thing … know what you want, take your time. Me? I was just lucky …

    I’ve been married for 37 years (37 years?!), and it makes me smile to think of the first time I saw my husband. Tall, thin, blond hair, blue eyes, Beatles haircut. Be still my heart. That was it for me. It was on the playground at Budlong Elementary School in Chicago … we were in 7th grade. My point is, some people don’t have any idea whatsoever they want in a mate (who, at the age of 13, could possibly know?), but have good instincts anyway.

    Now, he’s not tall — he reached his full height in 8th grade (that still cracks me up) — he’s no longer thin, his hair is silver, and he definitely no longer has a Beatles haircut . I’m certainly no beauty anymore, either. We have had, and continue to have, a really nice life together. Still in love.

    On another note, I agree that not going to bed angry is the worst advice ever. Can you imagine how many months or years of sleep one could lose in a 37-year marriage? My sleep is way too important to me.

    • December 11, 2009 9:45 pm

      Wow…thanks for the amazing comment. I’ve talked to many people who wish they had a sweetheart they grew up with and fell in love with. There’s something wonderful romantic about that age when you literally have no idea what you want and all you can feel are your most basic instincts and gut feelings. Although I’m glad I’ve had many varied relationships to help me learn about myself and what I want and need, I think what you found is really beautiful too. I’m more than a little jealous :).

      Thanks for the unexpected love story–it was wonderful to read such a thing on a Friday night.

      If your daughter ever decides to read my blog…well, it’ll still be here. 🙂

      • SFRANK permalink
        December 12, 2009 9:54 am

        This was a really great post … look at how many comments you received …

        And, good heavens. No reason to “be more than a little jealous.” At your age, when you do find “the one,” you’re more likely to think of better ways to resolve issues with your partner than strangling! Honestly, there were so many times when that seemed like the best solution … 🙂

        Your topics (and perspective) are great. Looking forward to Lauren’s take on this topic at!

        • December 12, 2009 10:41 am

          I have a lot to learn about women and relationships, but I’m guessing that conflict management counselors don’t recommend strangling as a solution. 🙂


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