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Pet Please #13: Finding Your Chapstick

December 8, 2009

I’m gearing up for my annual Festivus party, at which many a grievance will be raised, so I thought it might be a good time to balance the negativity with a positive pet please.

I carry exactly four things in my pockets all day: phone and chapstick in my left pocket, wallet and keys in my right. I put all those items in my pants at the same time, and I remove them at the same time. At least, that’s what’s supposed to happen.

What actually happens is that I remove my wallet and keys and cell phone, and I forget about the chapstick. I hang up my pants, and hours later I need to unchap my lips, but I can’t find my chapstick.

Do you ever have that moment of panic that you lost your chapstick? It could be anywhere–bed, couch, pushed under the bed or couch by the cat. But the first place I always check is my pants, which are now hanging upside down in the closet.

If the laws of physics affected chapstick, it would fall out of your pants and roll to some dark corner of the closet. But somehow, miraculously, it doesn’t. What an amazing feeling of relief when you find that precious plastic stick in your pocket where you left it, defying gravity, ready to moisten your lips.

A toast to finding your chapstick in your pants. Such an amazing feeling.

All other pet pleases can be found on the bottom half of this page.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. John J.J.H. Schmidt permalink
    December 9, 2009 1:31 am

    • T-Mac permalink
      December 9, 2009 7:59 am

      Admittedly, I rarely carry around a tube of chapstick, so I could only peripherally relate to this post. (Occasionally I leave a credit card in my pocket and then realize it’s in my pants after a long time of looking for it.)

      However, the video post by J.J.J.H. Schmidt completely elevated this blog entry from OK to one of the most amusing of all time. That was absolutely worth my 1 minute and 55 seconds.

      (By the way, I always thought “Jingleheimer” was one word…but you’d know I guess, since it’s you posting.)

      • John J.J.H. Schmidt permalink
        December 9, 2009 1:29 pm

        elevating this post to one of the most amusing of all time is a small victory for me. but it has already gone to my head.
        also, whenever i go out, people always tell me (sometimes, they shout) that my name is spelled wrong. it’s just spelled differently then my more famous counterpart. i don’t want to go into the etymology of jingle or heimer (that would be very long and unnecessary) but i do want to say this: just because he spells his name that way doesn’t mean mine is spelled wrong. that’s my name too.

  2. Jack permalink
    December 9, 2009 11:00 am


    Clever piece. But sometimes when we examine things too closely, it might reveal things that might be, um,, gross??? I would guess the reason your chapstick defies gravity, by staying in your pants, is because of the chapstick FILM that the tube and cap always end up covered in. At least it is keeping the inside of your pocket totally safe from windburn and nice and moist….And really, isn’t that all we can hope to ask for? lol
    Keep writing…good stuff

  3. Colleen permalink
    December 9, 2009 3:52 pm

    Coins, mints, and Kleenex do the same thing! BTW, is that you in the picture, or did you happen to find someone else who was also wearing a blue oxford shirt, like you are in your headshot? 🙂

    • December 9, 2009 3:54 pm

      Haha…no, that’s just a random photo from the internet. I don’t wear pleated khakis 🙂

  4. Bob permalink
    December 9, 2009 9:58 pm

    Interesting…my chapstick goes in my right front pocket.

    But even more interesting, you put your wallet in your front pocket?! Why not the back pocket? I’d like to see a blog post about this. (Though it will have to be outside the Mars v Venus series, no doubt.)

    • December 9, 2009 10:13 pm

      Oh yeah, wallet in the front. My wallet is too big for my back pocket. It’s so uncomfortable to sit on it. Not the case for you?

      • T-Mac permalink
        December 10, 2009 8:19 am

        I can’t stand wallets at all. They are just too bulky for the number of things you actually need. A good binder clip can hold your ID, one credit card, one debit card, and any cash you need.

  5. Harley permalink
    December 15, 2009 8:02 pm

    You. Are. Psycho. That’s all I’ve got.

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