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St. Louis Mayor Decides City Will “Go French,” Switch to Euro

June 22, 2009
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ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – In an effort to improve the appeal of the Gateway City, Mayor Francis Slay announced today that St. Louis will return to its French roots “across the spectrum.”

“Today we tip our hats to Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette, discovers of this great land. Merci!”, said the mayor on Monday, citing Wikipedia as his primary source.

Aside from the appeal of being labeled the “Europe of the Midwest,” Slay stated economic motivations behind the move.

“Obviously we’ll be using the Euro from now on,” he said at the press conference. “This will have an immediate positive impact on the St. Louis economy, all the way from the rue de 270 beltway to the rue de Martin Luther King Boulevard.”

He went on applaud the strength of the Euro, which is currently trading at $1.39:1.

“For a $3 tank of gas, now you’ll only have to pay 1 Euro for a full liter!” proclaimed Slay.

All speed limits will switch over to kilometers per hour by the end of June. Some of the infrastructural changes have been in effect for months, such as the switch from traffic lights to traffic circles in Forest Park, the recent proliferation of crepe restaurants and gelaterias, and the mandatory garbage strike held over Memorial Day weekend.

When asked how the city would enforce the new pronunciation rules, which require St. Louisans to say all street names with a French accent (see pronuciation guide, bottom), Slay shrugged. “You either say ‘San Louie’ or you get deported to the French penal colony.”

“Canada,” he clarified.

Slay added that St. Louis would indeed switch over to a city-sponsored healthcare program, but that he’d need to “queue [his] Netflix for that Michael Moore movie” to learn more about how it works.

Copyright 2009, The Ass Press. Note that I have nothing at all against Slay–I just wanted to use the real mayor’s name for this fake article.

Pronunciation Guide

Albert Pujols (al-burt poo-holes) –> al-bear poo-yo

Bon Secours (bahn seh-koo-ers) –> boh seh-koo

Carondolet (ka-ron-doh-let) –> ka-ron-doh-lay

Creve Coeur (kreev coor) –> krehv koo-lay

De Baliviere Ave (duh-bah-li-ver) –> day-bah-li-vay

Imo’s Pizza (ee-mohz pee-tza) –> ee-moh pee-sah

toasted ravioli (toh-sted reh-vee-oh-lee) –> toh-stay reh-vee-oh-lay

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. June 23, 2009 7:30 am

    I like how you provide a guide for pronouncing old French expressions that have long been mispronounced and anglicized by Midwesterners. Creve coeur might mean “broken heart” in French (sort of), but you’d be hard-pressed to realize that if you were getting directions from someone in the area!

    • June 23, 2009 9:25 am

      I’m sure there are some other biggies that I forgot to include on the list–it’s just a sampling. Are there any others that St. Louisans truly butcher?

  2. Lacy permalink
    June 23, 2009 9:28 pm

    Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your site and wanted to say
    that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. Any way
    I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon!

    • June 23, 2009 11:52 pm

      Hey, thanks Lacy. I’m glad you found the site. I’m always curious how random people stumble upon this blog.

  3. Emily permalink
    June 24, 2009 3:18 pm

    Hilarious! I’m still not sure you have the right pronunciation for De Baliviere, but maybe that’s the point? In any event, if Buenos Aires can be dubbed “Paris of the Americas” certainly St. Louis can be “Paris of the New World.” Ca c’est genial.

    • June 24, 2009 3:35 pm

      The seal of approval from my only sister, who studied in France for a year–perfect. The Paris of the New World–even perfecter. Pronounced “Pay-ree”, of course.

  4. June 25, 2009 6:42 pm

    Loved your latest post, by the way.

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