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The Wire: Season Six: Who’s That Lady?

May 17, 2009
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I have a special entry for you today, written by Nancy without provocation or prodding of any sort. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything quite like this. Enjoy it in its unedited form below.

Hey there.  Nancy again.  So this is top secret information.  I trust that you won’t tell anyone.  So HBO has approached me with the idea of bringing back their beloved series, The Wire.  They want to follow me around Baltimore and have my life taped.  Why me, you ask?  Well, in my spare time, I cruise the Baltimore harbor looking to bust hard criminals.  Murderers, rapists, dogs that poop on the side walk.  That’s what I’m looking for.  The people over at HBO are intrigued by the idea of an Egyptian female pharmacist driving around in a cop car acting like a police officer.  I think their exact words were “hilarity at its finest.”  I don’t know what they meant by that.

Baltimore Cop CarThey asked me about my most recent bust.   I fortunately had a photograph to accompany my story.  You see that looney toon in the back seat of my ride?  I won’t tell you her name, but she had just escaped from the insane asylum.  This is the story of how I caught her.  I was walking through the harbor on my way to The Fudgery to yell “oooh yeah!” a dozen times and lie about buying three pieces of fudge in order to get a free sample (St. Louis also has a Fudgery in Union Station) when I came across a woman with a crazed look in her eye.  She was lurking around The Marble Slab Creamery and giggling continuously.  I noticed that she was sprinkling a white, powdery substance on children’s ice cream as they were walking out of the ice cream shop.  I gave a random kid some money to go into the shop and get a small scoop of ice cream to serve as a spy and bring me a sample of that powder.  I’m not an idiot…safety first, of course.  I strapped a bullet-proof vest on the kid and gave him a taser gun.  The kid came out of the shop with three different flavored scoops of ice cream and a total of nine mix-ins (damn kid!!  Never pick a chub for spy work!  Rookie mistake!).  After he had his interaction with the crazed lady, he came running over to me.  He told me her exact words.  “It’s just Lactaid, kid!  It helps with the doodies!!”  Being lactose intolerant myself, I ate a scoop of the ice cream to see if the claim was true.  I barely made it to the women’s facilities in time before pooping my pants for the second time in my adult life.  Definitely not Lactaid.  However, I started noticing some side effects.  I started sweating profusely.  My heart was pounding out of my chest.  My hands started shaking.  So I did what any sane person would do in this situation.  I ran around the harbor naked with my hands above my head.  I jumped into the water and pretended to be a sea monster to scare people in the paddleboats.  After some time, I felt like my normal self again.  Thank goodness I’m a pharmacist.  I knew exactly what that powdery substance was on the ice cream.  It was prescription speed.  Ritalin.  I put my clothes back on and lured the crazy woman back to my car by telling her I had a car full of kids with the “doodies” from ice cream and she could really help them.

So that’s the story of last bust.  HBO loved it.  Taping starts immediately.  Remember, it’s a secret.  Shhhh…

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. May 28, 2009 10:41 am

    I don’t know, that crazy woman looks a bit more like a Crackwhore than Ritalin dealer—though she probably dabbles in both.

    I do have to ask though Nance, were you on crack when you wrote this? 😉

    • May 28, 2009 10:44 am

      That’s what I said! Rather, my response was–and I quote–“Girl, you crazy!”

  2. Nancy permalink
    May 28, 2009 11:14 am

    I might have been sipping on grandpa’s cough syrup…what of it!?!?

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