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Skinny Ties: Thanks for Making My Entire Tie Collection Obsolete

April 20, 2009

Dear Skinny Ties,

I would like to formally “thank” you for making my entire tie collection obsolete. It’s final. You’ve done it. 58 feet of silk and polyester, all dead to me.

It started with Jim on The Office, then continued with Barney on How I Met Your Mother. Then, of course, the titular Chuck on Chuck. And probably on a lot of other men on shows that aren’t as good but have higher viewership.

You’ve done it. That skinny, trendy look surpasses anything my ties have to offer. I’m still seven years behind, slowly accumulating ties with those bold slanted lines like Michael on Arrested Development.

Given that you dug the grave for my tie collection and hosted the wake at your house, I’d like to end this letter with a salute to my favorite ties, all of which must be replaced with skinny ties.

Goodbye, Pink Panther. Goodbye, Turtles Rising. Goodbye, Every Day Is Valentine’s Day. Goodbye, Frank Lloyd Wright (1, 2, and 3). Goodbye, Irish Dream. Goodbye, Santa Novelty. Goodbye, The Shining Carpet. And perhaps most of all, goodbye, Big Boys Don’t Cry Pink Tears.

Thanks for nothing, skinny ties.

Love,

Jamey

Also see: Local Man Tries to Grow “Cool” Beard, Fails

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Tha Sheezy permalink
    April 21, 2009 6:33 am

    Fight back, Stegmaier! Don’t take this tie fiasco lying down. Buck the skinny tie trend and begin shopping for…THE WIDEST TIE EVER. Use double windsor knots and have your ties custom made. When you come across someone wearing a “trendy” skinny tie, simply walk over to him, stare him straight in the eye, and exclaim with confidence, “Mine’s bigger” (with no prefacing introductory comment), then stand tall and walk on. You can even chuckle a little and shake your head ever so slightly as you fade into the distance. Bewildered, ashamed, and emasculated, they recipient of that comment will probably not only get rid of the skinny tie, but also any short shoelaces, mini slap bracelets, tight jeans, or whatever else skinny-tied people wear. He’ll probably buy a bunch of Enzyte and go home and cry as well, but that’s a side benefit.

    PS-This doesn’t apply to Alan Palmer, who looks good in a skinny tie and has a very large penis. Trying this tactic on APalm may result in a roundhouse kick to the temple and a solid life lesson.

  2. April 21, 2009 10:14 am

    Great comment, Mr. Tha Sheezy. I can’t wait to do this.

  3. Arianna permalink
    April 21, 2009 11:23 pm

    I’d like to see a picture of some of these ties – specifically, Big Boys Don’t Cry Pink Tears and Turtles Rising. I have an idea of what these might look like, but I think I need to know for sure…

  4. Red permalink
    April 22, 2009 10:48 am

    Please save Irish Dream for me. After all, Big Boys don’t wear Skinny Ties!

  5. Nancy permalink
    April 22, 2009 11:51 am

    What does the shining carpet look like? I can’t picture that one. I’m sure it’s hideous since you know I only like one of your ties and it’s the one I bought you 🙂

    • Who Knows? permalink
      April 22, 2009 2:09 pm

      I bet the shining carpet matches the shining drapes.

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