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The Infamous Iguana

March 18, 2009

So I was going to post a survival entry about how to survive an iguana attack, but as I was writing it, I realized that most people probably don’t realize that iguanas are scared of people. You need to know that or you won’t get the joke. In fact, I was asked by a friend tonight, “How did you survive the iguana attack?”

Look at this photo and tell me you wouldn’t be even the least bit scared if you encountered a four-foot lizard that looked like this:

img_0095

Yeah. That’s essentially a dragon.

But they’re harmless. Rather, they’re afraid. Afraid of you, you gangly, long-limbed human. I think a pack of iguanas could easily take down a human, but they don’t even try. They run away whenever you get near them. But you wouldn’t know that unless you encountered one.

Since I realized this survival entry won’t work, I have a different tale of survival to tell tomorrow. A harrowing tale that will leave you wondering, “How did he make it out alive?”

You’ll see tomorrow.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Bryce permalink
    March 19, 2009 9:35 am

    I hope you’re getting a lot of work done on your novel or catching up on your DVR or something, cause this blog has become nothing but a tease lately! Where’s the beef? A whole day devoted to telling us that iguanas are scared of humans??? Wow! So is most of the animal kingdom and rightly so, we are a vicious savage species. Anyway, I’m hoping the big Friday story pays off 🙂

    ps. How bout make the big red “shrine to Jamey” bar across the top of this page a link to the front page so I don’t have to go searching for the abstractly title “Front Page” link everytime I want to go back to the front page.

    pps. Who the hell Nancy?

    • March 19, 2009 9:40 am

      Ha ha, nice comment. I like the suggestions, but WordPress won’t let me make the header into a link, and I can’t even change the words “Front Page” (I can change all of the other pages, but not that one).

  2. Bryce permalink
    March 19, 2009 10:35 am

    Actually, you know what, I’ve been thinking about it and I wish I had been a little more sarcastic in my last comment. I mean, its too late now, but I should have gone a different way with it. Like:

    Stay tuned for next week’s post “Chipmunks tend to avoid human contact!”

    or

    What’s next, Jamey? Insightful revelations like “clouds prefer to keep a safe distance from humans?”

    or

    Jamey, I love your pithy observations. I can’t wait for your next one: “did you ever notice that trees rarely engage in conversations with humans?”

    No wait, now that I think about it, I’m glad I didn’t go this route because it might have just gotten mean-spirited. I’m actually really glad I didn’t post anything like afterall. Come to think of it, I’m pretty proud of myself for exercising such restraint. Good job me!

    • March 19, 2009 10:39 am

      Those are much funnier lines than the ones in your original e-mail.

      I just didn’t want to assume that people knew that iguanas were scared of humans. Is that common knowledge? I’m pretty sure that komodo dragons attack people, and they look pretty similar to these iguanas. Alligators attack people. Velociraptors attack people. Wouldn’t people assume the same for giant iguanas?

  3. Bryce permalink
    March 19, 2009 10:51 am

    Hey now! This is not a forum for critiquing my attempts at humor! This a forum for me to make fun of you! Is that MY face enshrined in a deep, rich burgundy in the quote-unquote “header” at the top of the page??? Is that MY name followed by “.com” though oddly no preceded by “www.” in the address bar??? Is that my email address featuring the bizarrely spelled out word “AT” instead of the customary “@” in the “about” section on the right-hand side??? I DON’T THINK SO! Now lets stick to ME making fun of YOU and leave any critique of my humor out of this.

    ps. I find that if I actually spell out the words “quote-unquote” and use the quotation marks on the same word it really packs more an emotional punch…agree?

    • March 19, 2009 10:57 am

      This could rapidly turn into a forum for critiquing your attempts at humor, my friend. Watch out for my new site: http://www.isbrycefunnyornot.com

      Why is there no “www” in my domain name? Search engines find your site better if you don’t have www.

      Why do I spell out “AT”? Because spam engines will search my blog for e-mail addresses and will send me a ton of crap. They look for the @ symbol.

      Why do you have so much free time at work today? I’m sure the answer has something to do with iguanas and/or the Cold War.

      “Quote-unquote” is a bit redundant, but it does indeed pack more of an emotional punch.

  4. Nancy permalink
    March 19, 2009 2:37 pm

    Do you guys have a man crush on each other? With all of this bantering, it seems quite evident.

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