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Summer Internship Application

February 18, 2009

“I’ve been reviewing Darren’s internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?”

“Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it’s business as usual at Kramerica.”

“Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.”

“And with Darren’s help, we’ll get that chicken.” (Seinfeld, “The Voice”)

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my spare bedroom. Right now it contains a litter box and a futon. My cat doesn’t pay rent, so the room is pretty much useless. I could get a roommate, but what good is a roommate? I’m used to living alone.

Today I got an e-mail from the dean of the Olin School of Business, where I got my degree. The dean was appealing to alumni to contact the school with any job openings that become available, as many seniors will soon be looking for work in a tough economic environment.

I don’t have any jobs to offer at the Catholic Student Center, but this e-mail made me think. I have a lot that’s going on in addition to my daytime job. Girlfriend, blog, other writing, fantasy baseball, Lost and Fringe, entrepreneurial ideas, cat stuff…there are only so many hours in a day. I can’t get it all done by myself.

Then a famous episode of Seinfeld popped into my head. In “The Voice,” Kramer gets an intern to take care of the menial tasks that were dragging him down (“laundry, grocery shopping, coming in here and talking to you [Jerry]…”). His intern was loyal, devoted, and commit ed. That’s what I need to make my company a success.

What’s that, you ask? You have a company?

Excellent question. The answer, of course, is “not yet.” But I could. I have plenty of ideas, and plenty more that I’ve never blogged about. It’s time to make those ideas a reality.

Plus, this is my way to help a struggling economy. I get to provide a college student/graduate lodging  for the summer, as well as some extra padding for his/her resume. Here’s a description of the position, as well as an application:

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Summer Internship Application

Compensation:

Intern will receive free room and board in Jamey’s condo in the Central West End. “Room” means the second bedroom where the litter box is. “Board” means…well, board is pretty redundant, isn’t it? If you have room, do you really need board? Jamey offers a basic meal plan that involves the intern sharing any meal that he/she cooks for Jamey.

Duration:

Intern will commit to one summer of work (June 1-August 15). The intern will work 40 hour weeks (a flexible schedule involves nights and weekends). No smoke breaks will be permitted, ever.

Job Description: 

The main function of this entrepreneurial internship is to assist Jamey in starting an internet-based company. Part of this involves going over Jamey’s ideas and filtering out the crazy ones and the ones that already exist. Also, Jamey has a lot going on that doesn’t involve this company that doesn’t yet exist, so the intern will help free up Jamey’s time by providing the duties listed below. The job involves limited travel opportunities–mostly just the library and to pick up Papa John’s from time to time.

Job Duties: 

Job duties may include–but are not limited to–the following:

  • Designing the new company’s website
  • Writing blog and Twitter entries for the website
  • Compiling and filling out the forms necessary to register the company the local, state, and federal governments
  • Laundry
  • Vacuuming
  • Playing with the cat
  • Retrieving cat toys from under the couch
  • Removing cat hair from Jamey’s clothing
  • Updating Jamey when a closer in baseball loses his job and is replaced
  • Painting Jamey’s condo
  • Editing Jamey’s blog
  • Keeping a transcript of all meetings Jamey has with friends, including lunch meetings and general discussions with his girlfriend that Jamey may need to reference at a later date
  • Taking photos of all those meetings
  • Playing poker on Wednesdays and helping to clean up the chips and cards
  • Taking Jamey’s popcorn back to concession halfway through the bag for a new layer of butter and salt
  • Listening raptly when Jamey describes all the cool soccer plays he made that day at pickup and then later saying “Remember when you made that awesome play?” as though you were there

Required Skills: 

  • Absorb information and offer constructive feedback in a creative, progressive brainstorming environment
  • Willingness to watch only the shows that Jamey wants to watch exactly when he wants to watch them.
  • No mouth breathers or loud laughers
  • Excellent communication skills
  • Proficiency in Word, Excel, Illustrator, Photoshop, and web design (html, CSS, Ruby on Rails)
  • Able to quote 30 Rock, Seinfeld, or Superbad on cue
  • Rudimentary understanding of fantasy baseball
  • Superb sense of fonts, color gradient, and spacing for web design
  • Key 70 words a minute
  • Knows to capitalize “is” in main-words-up heads
  • Strong enough to consistently open jars/bottles

Note: Jamey’s company to be named does not discriminate on the basis of age, race, gender, or sexual/political preference. However, Jamey’s girlfriend does not want females to apply. He is required to note that here.

Send resume, photo, and e-mail with cover letter answering these questions to: jamey.stegmaier AT gmail.com by March 30, 2009. Applicants will be contacted by April 10. (And no, I’m not kidding. I’m seriously hoping to get some applicants. Let’s start something amazing.)

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Trevor permalink
    February 18, 2009 6:47 pm

    Sadly, like pretty much any other job out there, I do not meet the minimum qualifications for this internship. How pathetic is that?

  2. Nancy permalink
    February 18, 2009 7:51 pm

    I think i’d give your intern a brown delicious in the face if he brought up our conversations to my disadvantage. So you might want to include “taking an occasional punch from Jamey’s girlfriend” in the job duties.

  3. February 18, 2009 9:45 pm

    Trevor, which requirements don’t you meet?

    Nancy, you’re not hitting anyone again. We’ve talked about this.

  4. Nancy permalink
    February 19, 2009 9:48 am

    We have??? Maybe we should check the intern’s transcripts b/c I don’t remember.

  5. Josh permalink
    February 19, 2009 7:00 pm

    You know, Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the world’s energy problems, I would’ve said you were crazy.

    Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.

  6. Patrick permalink
    March 7, 2009 2:05 pm

    Do you pay moving expenses?

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