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Newsflash: Local Man Tries to Grow “Cool” Beard, Fails

February 4, 2009

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — Over the long MLK weekend, Central West End resident Jamey Stegmaier tried to grow a beard. After 3 days of not shaving, with no visible results, Stegmaier gave up.

“Everybody else has one of those stupid beards,” he said to reporters gathered outside his condo. “I thought, you know, how hard could it be to get a little stubble?”jamey-glum1

When informed that he looked like white trash, Stegmaier became belligerent and had to be restrained by two little girls, who easily pinned him against the wall. They let him go after a brief taunting session.

“Listen,” Stegmaier said, examining the bruises on his puny arms. “I wanted a cool beard trimmed short like everybody else. But I can’t do it. My facial hair grows in patches, and it doesn’t fill in. It just doesn’t work.”

Stegmaier cited Stifler as the catalyst for the stubble beard fad.

“Damn Stifler,” he commented.

Weak and exhausted from the press conference, Stegmaier limped back to his condo on what onlookers described as “really girlie legs.”

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Nancy permalink
    February 4, 2009 8:39 pm

    Yea, that definitely sounds like my boyfriend 🙂

  2. Again?!? (shakes head in exasperation) permalink
    February 5, 2009 1:25 pm

    You’ve tried this before! Stegmaier, you’ve got to stop setting yourself up for failure. This is like the 7 times I asked Horace Grant to autograph my balls in 1994 before the impending sentence on my stalking charges officially went from probation to 2 years of hard time–I had to call it quits (stupid Idaho state law). The point is that a man has to know his limits. You’ll always look like a homeless 12-year old vagabond with facial hair, and my nuts will never read, “Love always, Horace. Your #1 baller.” Sigh…


  3. Liz Lemon permalink
    February 6, 2009 10:09 am

    I want to go to there

  4. Oprah permalink
    February 6, 2009 8:04 pm

    Please welcome Liiiz Le-mon!!!

  5. Harley permalink
    December 17, 2009 1:51 pm

    I get it, Jamey, and laughed aloud at the thought of you being restrained by two little girls.


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