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Now You Can Smell Like I Want You to Smell

October 22, 2008

A little while ago, I posted an entry entitled, “The Secret to Being an Attractive Runner.” The entry was targeted at women who jog in the park near my condo. Statistically, ever since I posted that entry, 93% of those women are moving their arms when they run (up from 15%), 68% have stopped trying to win the race, and 87% have focused on running forward instead of all wily-nily. Clearly this blog is making an impact on the world.

Thus I present this entry on how you, women, can smell like I want you to smell. And not just me—potentially other guys as well. Although, to be honest, this request is going to sound a little weird.

There are three smells I enjoy more than any others in the world: Popcorn, campfires, and Angel, by Thierry. Many other smells narrowly made this list—like hot chocolate, the coffee aisle at the grocery store, garlic bread in the oven, plain chapstick—but those are the big three. As you can tell, only one of them is a perfume. Here’s how you can smell like the other two:

Popcorn: This is easy. Put some popcorn in the microwave, make sure it doesn’t burn, and then rub it all over yourself. Wait until it cools a little bit, because those kernels get mighty hot.

Campfires: Before you go out to party, build a campfire in your apartment or yard (a leaf fire will do in a pinch) and envelope yourself in the smoke and fumes. The smell will make guys hearken back to a grittier, simpler time, a time when all meat was prepared over fire. You’ll literally make them salivate.

Or you can just go out and buy Angel.

I’m sure you’re asking wondering right now, Jamey, if you were approached by three identical women, one of them wearing popcorn grease, the other campfire ash, and the last expensive perfume, who would you be more drawn to?

Great question. It would probably depend on my mood, but in general I’d have to go with campfire girl. Damn I love the smell of campfires.


6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 16, 2010 8:17 pm

    You’re hilarious. Funny, I used to be a “Campfire Girl,” but that was when I was a kid, and now I’m married. Anyway, if people can get popcorn lung from inhaling the chemical fumes from microwave popcorn steam, what do you think women will get when they rub that stuff all over their bodies? Maybe you should post a disclaimer.

    A few years ago, I heard that, as smells go, pumpkin pie is the number one aphrodisiac for men. My husband confirmed that the smell drives him wild. A couple of summers ago I took my then-12-year-old sister to a Renaissance Fair, and we went to a booth where they sold a large variety of unusual perfumes and oils. Sure enough, they had pumpkin spice. So I bought a bottle. The woman at the counter said, “You know they say that…” I quickly interrupted, “I know…” with a pointed look at my young companion. My sister wanted to know why the woman was laughing. I just said something like, “Men love the smell of pumpkin pie.”

    Sure enough, when I wear it, my spouse can’t keep his hands off me. Baking a pumpkin pie or loaf of pumpkin bread works, too. But how often can I keep baking the same thing over and over before it gets embarrassing?

    • January 17, 2010 7:15 pm

      That’s a good point about the popcorn lung. But if Jelly Bellies are any indicator, the popcorn taste and smell can’t be replicated. Is it work the popcorn lung to be desired?

      Pumpkin pie, eh? I can see that. In fact, Angel is a very “sweet” smell, but it’s much more full of vanilla than cinnamon and spice. Is there such thing as a pumpkin pie perfume? And is there an equivalent aphrodisiac for women that can be prepared in the kitchen? Sure, it might be pretty obvious if every time you show up at a particular guy’s house, he’s pulling a rack of lamb out of the oven. But it’s worth a shot.

  2. January 17, 2010 11:47 pm

    I bought my “pumpkin pie” scented oil from a company called Kamala. They’re at this link: I love the way it smells… almost makes me want to nibble my own skin! I bought a tiny bottle, and it has lasted a long time. If a woman wanted another option, but didn’t want to bake, she could probably light up a pie scented candle. A bit more portable than an actual pie, though not as portable as a vial of oil.

    Funny, it just occurred to me that, once upon a time, a woman who advised someone on such a “love potion” might be hung for practicing witchcraft!

    • January 18, 2010 12:40 am

      I don’t think anyone will accuse you of witchcraft here. Thanks for the link! I will recommend that to future lady friends. 🙂


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