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Common Misconception #3: Quitting Cold Turkey

June 30, 2008

“I wish I knew how to quit you, cold turkey.”

Many have tried it. Most have failed. It’s the day after Thanksgiving, and your fridge is stocked with cold turkey. White meat, dark meat, little pieces of grizzle that you pick out. You look at the stack of meat and think, “Today is the day. Today is when I quit cold turkey.”

But you don’t want to. You love cold turkey. You crave it. You know what cold turkey does to you? It makes you look down on the sliced meats sold at the grocery store. It makes you realize that at those meats aren’t as fresh and real as Thanksgiving cold turkey. You eat that cold turkey, and it’s like the time that Adam and Eve realized they were naked (i.e., the biggest mistake of all time). We could be walking around naked today had it not been for those two. Instead, we’re stuck wearing Uggs and cat sweaters while we’re eating cold turkey.

So what can you do? It’s easier said than done. How many times do you find yourself hanging out with your coworkers a few days after Thanksgiving, everyone saying that they mean to quit, but they just can’t. The first step is to actually put down the turkey and walk away. Once it’s on the ground, you’re not going to pick it back up.

The next step is to give your turkey away to homeless people. Wrap it up in a bag and walk around downtown until you find a homeless guy, and give him the turkey. Then walk away without looking back. He may use that turkey to buy cigarettes or malt liquor, but don’t think about that.

Last, stop making turkey for Thanksgiving. There are plenty of turkey alternatives. Pick one. And if somebody shows up for dinner with an 18-pound bird, throw it away when they’re not looking. If they notice that it’s missing, tell them that the turkey walked away on its own accord. Turkeys do that, you know.

All in all, don’t underestimate the power of quitting cold turkey. It’s the best choice you’ll ever make.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. astegmaier permalink
    July 1, 2008 3:27 pm

    Did you ever think of working for the Onion?

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