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Questions of the Day: Part Three

February 3, 2008

Question: Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? On the literal level, it makes sense that I could both possess and consume cake.

Answer: If you eat your cake, it is no longer there. It’s gone, dissolved in the digestive juices of your stomach. While it is still with you for a few hours, it soon becomes the toilet’s cake.

Question: Why is the guy who’s in charge of the court room called the “judge?” Doesn’t the jury do the judging? The judge ain’t judgin’ anybody; he just sits up there in his black dress, smacking his hammer.

Answer: (Apparently neither of us could answer this question.)

Question: The ghetto expression, “Yo Yo, Mo Fo,” is an abbreviation for “Yonder Yonder, Mother Fuc*er,” but shouldn’t it be either, “Yo Yo, Mo Fu” or “Yonder Yonder, Mother Focker?”

Answer: (The answer was too inappropriate to print, but the use of the words “yonder, yonder” was too funny not to print here.)

Question: If I, a male human, break both my thumbs, does that mean I am reduced to the status of a monkey or primate because I no longer have opposable thumbs? Also on that note, if you cut off a fly’s wings, should you call it a walk?

Answer: I’m pretty sure that opposable thumbs aren’t the only thing that separates us from the primates. Even if you did somehow lose your thumbs (maybe in a freak cotton gin accident or something), you could always graft your big toes onto your hand.

Question: In books and movies, male characters are sometimes awakened by their girlfriend when she throws a rock at his bedroom window. Do house windows not have screens in books and movies? If someone threw a rock hard enough to get through the screen AND hit the window, then I’d be really pissed. I’d make sure to get their attention by throwing the rock back at THEIR window–their car window.

Answer: The reason that we see the situation in so many movies is because it is theultimate male fantasy. Who wouldn’t want some chick waking you up in the middle of the night, climbing up a tree into your room, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear?

Tomorrow:

Lumbar and Life Support

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