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My Greatest Fear

January 22, 2008

I’ll be honest—I’m a wimp. I’m scared of pretty much everything. I’m afraid of being mugged. I’m paranoid about spiders nesting under my skin while I sleep. I’m constantly worried I have food in my front teeth. When driving in certain parts of town, I seriously think that I’m going to be carjacked while I’m waiting at red lights.

But nothing scares me more than potato eyes.

I had my first contact with these insipid creatures while living at my old apartment. My roommate had bought some potatoes and forgotten about them, so one day I reached into the back of the pantry and was about to pull them out…when I realized that the potatoes were reaching back at me.

This freaked me out. I had never seen this before, and I refused to touch them. My roommate later threw them away, proclaiming that it wasn’t a big deal. But it was a big deal. What kind of a vegetable wants to grow arms and pluck you from the ground? That’s just creepy.

You may think I’m blowing this out of proportion, but mark my words. One day you’re going to turn on CNN to see a fully-grown potato with all sorts of limbs sprouting from his rotund body. Handcuffs around two of his “eyes,” smoking a cigarette with another one, he’ll be asked by a reporter why he forced his human roommate into the microwave and turned it on high.

“It was either him or me,” the spud will respond. “No skin off my back.”

(Potatoes are quick with a pun.)

Along the same lines of potato eyes is mold. Mold really freaks me out, particularly when I’m about to eat something that’s moldy (cheese, sour cream, salsa, bread, etc.) or have just eaten something moldy. It’s just that mold looks so otherworldly. Check out this fine delicacy that was extracted from my old company’s fridge a month ago:

Does that look like it was born and bred on American soil? Hell no. It looks like it oozed out of an asteroid crater and immediately mimicked its first sight on earth, a grassy knoll. This thing is seriously intelligent—look how those tendrils creeped out from under the impenetrable Rubbermaid seal in search of unsuspecting victims! We couldn’t even figure out what kind of food was in the container before the mold set in.

So there you have it, my two greatest fears: Potato eyes and mold. They will be my undoing.


There Will Be Popcorn

11 Comments leave one →
  1. Lenore permalink
    January 17, 2009 11:31 am

    You are apparently my soul mate. I noticed someone typed in “fear of potato eyes” into google to get to my blog so I typed it in myself. Until now, I thought I was alone in this fear.

  2. Jamey Stegmaier permalink
    January 17, 2009 5:42 pm

    Oh no, you’re not alone in this fear. I’ve never seen you at the SEP (Spud Eye Phobia) convention–maybe I’ll see you in Tampa this year.

  3. Chris permalink
    June 22, 2009 12:32 pm

    My g/f is terrified of the eyes and even more so once they become long roots… She runs screaming! She says they’re like creatures… There should be a name for it.

  4. June 22, 2009 10:59 pm

    Yep. At some point I coined the phrase “spudopticaphobia.” That’s the term I’ve been using. It’s horrifying.

  5. Kate permalink
    November 7, 2009 4:33 am

    I’m so happy that there are other people with this fear! My family and friends think I’m insane and a weirdo for thinking that potato eyes are so gross, but now I know I’m not alone (ugh, who else is just getting the heebee-jeebees just thinking about them?!)

    • November 8, 2009 1:41 am

      Oh, major heebee-jeebees. I think people without spudopticaphobia think it’s just a big joke. It’s not. It’s not funny when people put potatoes with eyes on my desk at work (but they think it is!) They’re the creepiest thing ever.

  6. Dionne permalink
    November 16, 2009 10:54 pm

    Wow i’m surprised Jamey. I love the spuds with tentacles. I love to put the potatoe in half a cup of water and i like to see it sprout. That’s what it’s called btw…sprouting…you know the same thing that beans do when you put them in dirt. Yep…go figure. Something that is organic and a plant actually grows. It’s also like when a person dies their nails and hair continue to grow. Same difference.

    As for the mold…..not scared of it either. Grossed out maybe, but not scared. I like that nature has a way of telling us when something is bad to eat…thus mold. Bacteria have feelings too y’know…lol. Just kidding. I don’t mean to mock….much.

    • Dionne permalink
      November 16, 2009 10:55 pm

      Correction…I should have said fungus and not bacteria. I don’t think they are one in the same.

    • November 16, 2009 11:19 pm

      Those eyes haunt my dreams, Dionne. They haunt my dreams.


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